The Graduation Blues.
It’s hard to not be terrified of the unknown.
When I graduated from high school in 2014 my sentiments about graduating were completely opposite of what I feel now. I was more than ready to leave Rocky Mount, NC, filled with elation and optimism the closer I got to my graduation date. My plan was clear for what my future was going to look like for the next 8 years (mind you, I was only 17 when I graduated.). I felt fully prepared for college.
It’s four years later, and I’m approaching my graduation from North Carolina State University. I should have similar sentiments however, I’m still not sure why I can’t shake this feeling of trepidation and dread. For weeks I’ve been keeping myself busy with the little, day-to-day things in order to keep myself from sinking into a never-ending abyss of possibilities for my future.
My mind is calculating, always has been. Ever since I was little I could imagine a future for myself, years in advance of my present. I attribute this to my father, who passed his skill of planning for everything onto me. However, this is the first time in my life that I don’t have a plan for my life set more than a year in advance. Hell, I barely have my life six months post-graduation completely planned out.
I feel stuck in a paradox because I’m ready to be done with college but I’m not ready to be done with the idea of the institution. I don’t feel fully prepared for a life outside being in school — outside of an institution I’ve spent 18 years in. Most of our lives revolve around school until we’re 21/22 (unless you’re the poor souls who jump straight into higher learning after undergrad — I once was one of these people). Whether we realize it or not, we have almost like a “safety net” around us all throughout schooling, from kindergarten up until our senior year of college. Our mistakes don’t have as big of an impact on us because we have our teachers and parents to fall back on. Hell, mistakes are even encouraged during these years because it’s what helps us learn, and supposedly prepare us from when we’re on our own. There’s also a certain level of dependency from adults that you can rely on because you’re not quite out in the real world yet.
In essence it all boils down to one thing, you have time — time to fuck up, time to learn, and time to plan for your future outside the institution.
From K-12, I had time to learn my likes and dislikes, time to decide and make a plan on what I wanted to do with my life and find the path to execute it. I had room to change ideas about my life path as often as I liked. In college, I had even more time to figure out life post-undergrad with guidance from people in the profession I was pursuing. However, those four years flew by and my window was closing quickly. Now that I’m graduating it’s as if I feel my time slipping away from me. I feel pressured to have all the answers — to make definitive decisions about what I want to do, where I wanna go next when all I’m trying to do is focus on is getting my degree and surviving my exams so that I’m not stuck here for another semester. However, every week I’m reminded of my impending future after college when I’m asked the same question from family members and strangers alike: “So what are your plans after graduation?” It was a question I used to answer like clockwork, so confidently. Even now sometimes I still give that same rehearsed answer, knowing going back to grad school for me is a huge HELL NO because I have no interest in pursuing public health at this time. I didn’t even realize how rehearsed my answer after graduation became until recently when my boyfriend’s dad asked me that question and I responded without thinking, saying what I always say. I hadn’t cared about misspeaking until that moment.
I’m still not sure why we’re expected to have things perfectly planned out before we graduate from undergrad. Especially when most of us are still in our early 20-somethings and have the rest of our lives to live.
I want more time that I know I’m not getting to figure things out. It wasn’t until my final semester of college that I decided the career choice I used to dream about should delay until I was older. I had that plan for almost two years before I made my final change only 4 months ago. It made the third career change I had while in college, but it was the first one I had outside the realm of the sciences. I underestimated how much time I would need to fully adjust to my change, not fully realizing how comfortable I’d become in the idea of a career in science. I stand by the change I made, I just wish I would’ve had the confidence in myself sooner to make it.
I graduate in 12 days, I’ll be done with exams in 8, and these graduation blues don’t seem to be letting up on my spirit.
Even if I was given more time, I don’t think I could ever truly be ready for this next chapter of my life. It’s surreal to know I’ll be graduated from college in less than two weeks because I still feel more like a kid than an adult. Not to mention I’m still working on my plan to pursue writing (practically) full time. And THAT is truly terrifying, especially when I spent my entire undergrad career preparing myself for life within public health and genetics.
But what I’ve also learned within my last couple weeks of undergrad from talking to other seniors is for every person who “seems” like they have everything planned out post-undergrad, there’s an equal amount of people who feel the exact opposite. I just so happen to be in the percentage of students that don’t have it fully planned out yet.
I have to accept that my future right now is unknown. I will be a college graduate still planning out her future post-graduation and that’s okay.
I reject the expectation placed on us to have it all figured out by our graduation dates. Things happen. Plans can change. However, there’s still time.
